In the next newsletter, we’ll address intrusive thoughts that center on things you worry you might have done in the past. past sexual relationships as possible evidence you might be straight, hobbies or interests you have that are stereotypically heterosexual, perhaps your friends think you’re straight, past aversive reactions to same-sex flirting, touching, or erotic material, past serious and long-lasting romantic relationships with someone of the opposite sex. They are all temporary experiences without any inherent substance or profound meaning. Anxious thinking is the altered state of consciousness that occurs when your amygdala sounds the alarm bell in response to a non-dangerous trigger. I am doubting that they are even intrusive thoughts. Writings on Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts are now included in the Psychology Today Blog post, Living With a Sticky Mind, Copyright © 2020 :: Dr. Martin Seif :: Web design by dmpdesigns.com. You can work with a professional or try to make changes on your own. So why do they feel so real and convincing? You feel like you have to fight the thought, and put real effort into not doing the things you are thinking. One factor that perhaps makes HOCD more torturous than other types of OCD is its relative obscurity. How to cope with HOCD thoughts when they arise: Acknowledge to yourself the possibility that you may be gay. However, the more you work it into your diet, the more you can tolerate it. They’re upsetting because they feel so foreign… You have created them, and all … We will explain what these mean in subsequent newsletters, but for now, here is all you need to know. I was in a shop today and there was a little boy and I got an intrusive thought about him but it felt so, so real. If so, are they right? Others worry about a specific symptom, like whether or not they can get a full breath. Difficulty setting aside thoughts about your sexual orientation, Diminished attraction to the opposite sex, Reviewing your day or week to feel sure that at no time did you feel attracted to someone of your own sex, Preoccupation with one’s level of arousal toward either sex, Construing any positive reaction to a member of the same sex as evidence of being gay, Checking one’s response to opposite- or same-sex images of attractive people, An urgent need to decide whether one is gay or straight, Spending time in anxious rumination about one’s reaction to members of the same or opposite sex, looking for proof that one is gay/straight, Looking at pornography, not because of enjoyment but because it is an opportunity to check one’s responses to men vs. women. The fearful intensity of that focus makes it impossible to distinguish between real desire and fear of real desire. Intrusive Bizarre Thoughts When Anxious People who are chronically anxious are in a highly sensitive state. If your thoughts are bizarre or paranoid, you might be experiencing signs of psychosis. Our CBT therapists are doctoral-level psychologists. ERP therapy helps you develop both of these skills. These medications can help bring down the severity of the HOCD symptoms. Remember that HOCD is not distinct from OCD. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? And it just doesn’t work, because effort works backwards when you are involved in anxious thinking. We are discontinuing future Intrusive Thoughts Newsletters. If you let your mind wander as I suggested above or try it later, lots of your thoughts do not have emotion … Paradoxically, the healthiest thing we can do in these situations is… nothing. Many readers ask why their intrusive thoughts feel so much like impulses? Read 21 Responses. Their job is to create some doubt! Your email address will not be published. We will explain what these mean in subsequent newsletters, but for now, here is all you need to know. The same intrusive thoughts that feel so real, all powerful and self-defining when swirling around in your head will disintegrate when said out loud. So if you are thinking “F*** God” in the church or synagogue, how can you be sure that you won’t yell out the blasphemous thought? This is a major problem in access to effective HOCD treatment in the United States. Maybe not enough! Shy and Dating? It’s also known as SO-OCD (sexual orientation) or “gay OCD.” It is a variant of OCD, and can have a profound impact on the lives of those living with it. I’m looking for a therapist for my teenage son. Improving your ability to tolerate intrusive thoughts is an excellent way to reduce HOCD symptoms. A therapist using the Lloyd Christmas technique helps an HOCD patient who is quite convinced that he or she is gay to create some doubt about their sexual orientation. Is My Boyfriend Gay? Next, your therapist and you will develop a list of people, places, situations, images, etc. You therefore fight against these thoughts, and they begin to feel like impulses. Favorite Answer. Overcoming obsessive worry and unwanted intrusive thoughts. People with HOCD are often thrown by their obsessions, and explain that the thoughts “feel so real.” Why is that? Understandably, the most common impulse of someone with HOCD is to try to get rid of the obsessive thoughts. People with HOCD feel a strong temptation to eliminate uncertainty about whether they are straight or gay. This technique is appropriate for when you’re feeling completely convinced that you’re gay (or straight!). I have 35 years of success with the treatment methods I use. Why did I slow my pace a little when I walked by the LGBT community center the other day? Follow - 3. ... It’s a Feeling Problem The real culprit of OCD may not be what you originally thought. They do not understand how they can have these thoughts that seem so scary and come with such impact and frequency. And it would be terrible if you actually did what you think about, and how can you know for certain that you won’t do them? You will learn about OCD and about how obsessions and compulsions work. This sets up a situation in which you are struggling not to think something. Intrusive thoughts are so-called for a reason: they stick with a person, and the harder a person fights them, the stronger they get. There are thoughts about things that you might have done in the past, (and it would be awful if you actually did those things), and how can you know for sure that you didn’t do them? Unwanted intrusive thoughts are stuck thoughts that cause great distress. So why are obsessive thoughts so hard to tolerate? And then there are the thoughts about what you fear you might do in the future. If one overindulges in it, it becomes simply a form of reassurance and can become compulsive. Some folks incorrectly think of mindfulness as a fad — in reality, mindfulness is an innate capacity of mind that we all have to one degree or another. the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy & Paul B. Greene, Ph.D. except where otherwise noted. So far I only gave you an example of self-harm, but I also had obsessive thoughts of violent character directed towards others. If you have HOCD and see a random therapist, you are not likely to find someone who recognizes and understands HOCD. When this inability to discern real sexual preferences repeatedly meets with fear and pessimism, there are consequences. It is when we start to believe these thoughts that it can become a problem. However, they are not intended to convince you that you’re straight. You get a small stress response the first time it happens. Despite how they feel, unwanted intrusive thoughts can’t be … The thoughts are usually about something 'terrible' happening to yourself or to others. Under the therapist’s guidance, the more you do the exposure exercises, the more you will improve. This way of understanding your symptoms is a critical framework for what comes next. The same intrusive thoughts that feel so real, all powerful and self-defining when swirling around in your head will disintegrate when said out loud. Sometimes people with HOCD go from being anxious because they’re unsure if they’re gay to being convinced that they’re gay. Living With Intrusive Thoughts. Despite how they feel, unwanted intrusive thoughts can’t be more different that impulses or urges. Others mistakenly interpret it as an early part of the coming out process. Intrusive thoughts are the kind of thoughts that pop up, make you feel worried, guilty and/or ashamed. But as you get more anxious, your thoughts feel more and more like call to actions. The primary recommended treatment is a form of therapy called exposure and response prevention. One helpful step in combatting HOCD anxiety is to ask yourself: how certain am I that I’m gay vs. straight? Intrusive thoughts feeling “real” (coming from outside you as sensation) as I know them are “stray thoughts” as hallucinations and nobody really knows why yet. Feelings like this, or intrusive thoughts, are a normal part of life. The following four-step technique will help you practice precisely the skills necessary to reduce your HOCD symptoms. Answer Question. 1-646-863-4225 Following that, you practice responding differently than you have been; you refrain as best you can from efforts to seek reassurance about your sexual orientation. People who have not yet come to terms with a given sexual orientation do not feel any such urgency. Instead of feeling horrified that they might have been wrong about being straight, they start to feel horrified that they are certainly wrong about being straight. Marty There is an excellent chance that I can help you as well. Can you recommend someone? Your worry, of course, is that you might actually act on the thoughts in your head. Admit to yourself that you just aren’t sure right now whether you’re gay or straight, and rest in that without trying to fix it. Mindfulness is an awareness that we all have at times — an awareness that is relaxed, focused on the present, and not caught up in distracting thoughts. Why would the thoughts be there if … OCD, the broader category in which HOCD falls, affects 1.2% of Americans — approximately 3.95 million people. How much am I *really* enjoying this stereotypically straight man/woman activity? 3 Answers. Intrusive thoughts can be disturbing, but are completely normal. How to Deal With the Torment of Relationship Obsessions, Coronavirus: Tips for Parents During Social Distancing, “Will I Get Sick Too?” — Talking to Your Children and Teens about Coronavirus, How to Overcome the Vicious Cycle of Depression and Avoidance. Free PTSD evaluations for frontline medical workers. Their intrusive nature makes them harder to dismiss, which leads the person to believe they must mean something. From the mindfulness perspective, no thoughts are real, regardless of how they feel. This shift in thinking reduces the questioning of one’s sexual orientation; the belief that one has been masquerading as straight becomes strong and solid. Resolve to yourself that for the next few minutes, you will refrain from efforts to determine whether you’re gay or straight. Mindfulness of Emotions: How Can It Help You? They are all temporary experiences without any inherent substance or profound meaning. Go through those four steps each time an intrusive thought arises, and be prepared to do it a million times. If you can see how one of the above factors might reduce the “odds” of your being gay from 100% to 80%, then this technique has been a success. It may feel pointless, painful, and unproductive. I’m Doctor Marty Seif, and I know how you feel, because I’ve been there myself. If you’ve spent most of the past few days feeling certain that you are gay, then use the Lloyd Christmas technique described above. I do not, however, believe in demons, the devil, etc, they do not cause intrusive thoughts or any other mental health problems because they don’t exist. They seem to come from out of nowhere, arrive with a whoosh, and cause a great deal of anxiety. This has some parallels to Claire Weekes‘ metaphor of swimming rather than floating; you want the anxiety to go away, and assume that hard work is needed to make that happen. Enter your email to subscribe and receive new posts via email. For people with HOCD, tolerating anxiety around their sexual orientation is analogous to acquiring a taste for healthier foods if you’re used to eating junk food. The harder you try, the more you have the thoughts. There is no comparable temptation to “figure out” where we’ll be in a year because we know we can’t. https://manhattancbt.com. Anxiety is a real disorder. Did my childhood interest in rugby/dance as a kid mean I’ve always been gay and missed the signs? my intrusive thoughts felt so real today, like I wanted them. Intrusive thoughts are a type of OCD. And How Often? Just thoughts why do they feel so real. When your thinking changes that way, your relationship between thoughts and actions also changes. She doesn’t buy it’s all OCD because the thoughts seem too real. Manhattan Center forCognitive-Behavioral Therapy If you’re used to pork chops and macaroni every day, your first taste of broccoli might not be appealing. Avoidance Coping – The Reason Why Harm OCD Urges Feel Real. When symptoms are severe, some straight people with HOCD describe feeling 100% sure that they are gay. For some people, intrusive thoughts are part and parcel of panic or intense anxiety. The effect of the phenomenon is clear for those suffering from intrusive thoughts about sexual orientation or any other common obsessive topic. 3 Options for Job Satisfaction, Cognitive Distortions and What to do About Them, Why You Have Intense Emotions, and How to Cope, How to Be Awesome at Self-Soothing and Self-Care, Accepting Things As They Are: Why and How to Do It. Why does this feel so real? 276 Fifth Avenue, Suite #905 And if you thinking about slicing up your wife with a carving knife, how can you be sure that you won’t do that? i have obsessive and intrusive thoughts deep down i know there nonsense but why do they feel so real? The traditions of meditation and mindfulness offer a valuable perspective for those struggling with upsetting thoughts about one’s sexual orientation. The answer involves fear, repetition, and the power of mental habits. You might even come to enjoy it! Intrusive thoughts can become a serious issue, and are not limited to the examples above. Your email address will not be published. You can think about something and “rehearse” it in your mind without any consequences in reality. Overcoming scary, Intrusive and Racing Thoughts with anxiety. Mindfulness derives from ancient traditions of meditation. (If you don’t know about the amygdala, go back to my website and read about it.) Be relentlessly patient in your battle against OCD; be willing to use these techniques forever if necessary. If you’re able to refrain from doing these things for a long enough time, you will weaken your HOCD. Required fields are marked *. Did my noticing that man/woman just now mean I’m gay? This maximizes the three elements essential to all intrusive thoughts: entanglement, sticky mind, and paradoxical effort. We know that several factors increase the risk of having OCD, including genetics and learning history. As Son puts it, so personally and perfectly: [3] “If someone close to you experiences these intrusive thoughts, just love and support them. For this reason, many people misunderstand it to be “repressed” homosexuality. Psychologists call this thought-action fusion, and it can scare the heck out of you. Most intrusive thoughts (but not all of them) fit quite neatly into one of two basic categories. How can you tell if you have HOCD or if you’re in denial about your sexual orientation? Even if you don’t feel this way but would like to discuss how intrusive thoughts are affecting you, speak with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Intrusive thoughts are frightening thoughts about what might happen to you or someone you care about, or what you might do to yourself or another person. Another way is to reevaluate the meaning you attribute to HOCD thoughts, images and impulses. When an intrusive thought strikes, be ready. That temptation makes the HOCD thought hard to tolerate. After all, nobody knows for 100% sure, and neither do you. If, on the other hand, HOCD symptoms have not dominated the past few days, then try the 4-step ERP technique. 1 June 2013 - 21:33. moosie. In many ways, this is the root of the problem. OCD is a common disorder that involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. People with PTSD can … Forum User. With the “Lloyd Christmas” technique, the person with HOCD strives to manufacture uncertainty. Anafranil (clomipramine) is also used in some cases. That’s dishonest! By doing certain practices we can cultivate this awareness so that it becomes easier to access. Or Is It My Anxiety? Worrying, obsessive, intrusive or racing thoughts are some of the symptoms of anxiety that can bother people the most. Sincerely, Then try to use the 4-step ERP technique. We know that the more we try not to think about something specific, the more it tends to crop up in our minds. HOCD is the abbreviation for homosexual obsessive-compulsive disorder. And that really scares you, because you say to yourself something like, “I really don’t want to hurt my wife, but what if I have impulse to hurt her and it gets the better of me?”. In their case, it’s a sensation and not a desire, but the situations are similar.) The lesson is clear: abandon efforts to get rid of the thoughts. This informs our experience of anxiety and other emotions, and in some cases, even how we live our lives. Your therapist will then teach you how to do exercises called exposures. that trigger the anxiety that comes with HOCD thoughts. Let us know about your experience in the comments below. The culprit is what I like to call anxious thinking. I know how to show you exactly what to do to reclaim your life. For those with panic disorder, these thoughts can be so problematic that they increase the risk of having another panic attack. HOCD is poorly understood outside of the OCD community. This type of therapy aims to — as the name suggests — produce insight. Consider doing a consultation with an OCD specialist if at all possible. What makes a thought feel real is the attention we bring to it. An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. Typically, the desired insight is around the origin of the problem. The more you are able to practice tolerating the thoughts without ascribing meaning to them, the sooner HOCD will subside. This is sometimes referred to as overvalued ideation. We often think things that we would never say or do in real life. This maximizes the three elements essential to all intrusive thoughts: entanglement, sticky mind, and paradoxical effort. Contact me. People with HOCD are tempted by the prospect of “figuring out” if they’re gay or straight, either by checking in some fashion or by mental exercise. This a large number for such an infrequently discussed phenomenon! However, for people with obsessive thoughts, the origin of the problem is 1) usually impossible to find and 2) not helpful even if you do find it. For simplicity’s sake, this article describes the experience of a straight person with obsessions about being gay. One challenge in implementing them is that the obsessive thoughts are hard to shake, and feel very convincing. Manhattan Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This might be helpful for obsessive thinking: OCD thrives on resistance. This is the “response prevention” step. (Check out our post with examples of how HOCD presents and how treatment can help.) There are no known instances of HOCD or anxiety changing anyone’s sexual orientation. Their unusual nature can cause distress and anxiety. (Similar phenomena happen in other anxiety disorders – for example, people who suffer from panic disorder also become very focused on a feared internal experience. Allow the question to remain unanswered. Sometimes i wish i could just sleep forever because that is the only time i don't really think so much. Every highly anxious person has to cope with intrusive thoughts. Read more on how thoughts become intrusive . However, it made me feel anxious and sad,, I almost started crying. No. Mindfulness practice helps us maintain a healthy relationship with thoughts (and emotions). Partially, they’re hard to tolerate because they run counter to our well-rehearsed habits of eliminating that uncertainty. Traditional insight-oriented therapy is unlikely to help someone with HOCD. They may be factually based and accurate, but are still just beliefs. This is a useful perspective for someone with HOCD to have as they cope with thoughts and beliefs around their sexual orientation. PeMarie April 2nd, 2016 at 11:44 AM Intrusive Thoughts are part of OCD and have both obsessions and compulsions. Anxiety Phobia treatment help therapy, Greenwich, CT, Manhattan Martin Seif. The key with the Lloyd Christmas technique is to only use it as long as needed to create some doubt, and then to stop. How Long Should You Meditate For? This feeling of anxiety in combination with the thought, might be enough for your brain to mark this as a threat. Similarly, acknowledge that it’s also absolutely possible that you may be straight. Unable to feel like their thoughts are just thoughts, people with OCD develop a strong distress response– their mind and body go on high alert. For a small proportion of the population, however, they are followed by a strong urge to address the way they make us feel. Several strategies are listed below that have been helpful for many suffering from HOCD. I have 35 years of success with the treatment methods I use. 21 Responses COMMUNITY LEADER ... and the fact that I can now appreciate good looking men has really hindered my intrusive thoughts. Over time, however, with continued effort, it will feel easier and more natural. So a reasonable estimate of the number of Americans suffering from sexual orientation-themed OCD would be 315,000. The core symptoms of HOCD are intrusive thoughts about being gay. From the mindfulness perspective, no thoughts are real, regardless of how they feel. Our offices are in midtown Manhattan, but we offer teletherapy services to people elsewhere in New York State, New Jersey, and Florida. The more we try to get rid of an undesirable thought, the more it will come up! You also refrain from ruminating about the possibility that you might be gay. Itstheeyes. There are two options for those who would like to improve their HOCD symptoms. They don’t make you a bad person. If you ask most people what OCD is, their answers will likely involve a preoccupation with order, being excessively neat, or washing your hands. Remember, it is possible to feel 100% certain of something and to be wrong about it. He wants to talk with someone who can help him look at the things in his life that have possibly steered him in this direction, not someone just telling him to embrace or explore what he’s feeling. It is a … While it is true that obsessions are biologically generated intrusive thoughts, compulsions are simply very bad solutions you, yourself, have invented as a way of dealing with the anxiety resulting from your obsessive thoughts. They usually stick around for a lot longer than you hope, leading to increased distress and fear. They are over sensitive to comments made by others, their own thoughts and equally to their own fearful reactions. When you are relaxed, thoughts and behaviors seem totally separate. Why do my HOCD thoughts feel real? There is an excellent chance that I can help you as well. This therapy helps people develop their ability to tolerate obsessive thoughts so their impact lessens over time. A means of Coping, it is possible to feel 100 % sure that they are straight or gay,... 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